As of February 23, 2009:



3 auditions done. 2 more to go. I kind of wish my auditions had happened in reverse order but oh well. It's all past me now.



To prevent myself from having to explain every single detail about my auditions at Michigan and Northwestern a million times, I decided I would write it out once and make you, the reader, read what happened. It really gets old after a while.



Behold. The University of Michigan School of Music








When you think of the University of Michigan, I'm assuming you'll probably think of football or great academics/state school. Well, it also has a really great music program. Michigan has become more and more competitive over the years and is ranked among the top music programs among 4 year Universities that are not exclusively conservatories.



Like IU, Michigan is a giant state school. Honestly, I don't want to go to a really huge school but the music program is such an exclusive program that it would reduce the size immensely. Before, I thought I would feel lost there but it ultimately didn't bother me that much. Ann Arbor is probably the nicest college town I have visited. When I think of college towns, I think of Ellensberg, and get really depressed. (No offense to my friends at Central).



My family and I arrived in Detroit crack early in the morning, 5 AM or so. After we checked into our hotel, I took a nap, checked my email and found that one of the violin professors I had emailed had replied and invited me to attend his studio class that afternoon. Aaron Berofsky had a studio of maybe 15 students more or less. It was definitely neat to see how the students interacted and tried to help each other out with their pieces. It was a really nurturing environment which you can't always find in some places for music. I even had a chance to talk to some of the students later that day.



Friday - the audition day. I had to play at 9:40 in the morning. Which is like playing at 6 in the morning. I mean, I get up early and practice sometimes, but it's really hard to play well early in the morning. I also had just gotten a new bow on Tuesday. I either got a really bad rehair or screwed up my bow.. Well.. I've had the same place rehair my bow for years and I've never had a problem with it before. But at IU I had issues with sound and those issues continued to persist. On top of that, I'm pretty sure I've lost between an eight and a quarter of the hair on my bow since I got it rehaired in early January. The people at the shop said I messed it up, but then again, I haven't changed the way I've played in the past 10 years. My practice times have stayed the same. Plus two teachers looked at my bow and said it was a bad rehair or something. Anyways. I started with Tchaikovsky, played Bach, played Paganini 9 and then sightread an excerpt from a Hadyn Quartet. Then there as a brief interview type thing. Overall, I feel pretty good about it. I played A LOT better than I did at IU and I think I got some positive feedback. Of course, you really can't read too much into these things. You really never know.



I really liked Michigan. I could definitely see myself there. They have a great academic program too. LSA is amazing. The campus is beautiful. Before I went into these auditions, Michigan was towards the bottom of my list, but now, it has risen to the top.



We left Michigan on Saturday and flew to Chicago. Don't even get me started on Northwestern Airlines and how much I hate it. You'll have to ask me about that some other time. Anyways. Arrived in Chicago on Saturday. Left for Kentucky on Monday. I know. Kentucky was a surprise to me too. Got to visit my hometown, our old church, and see our old family friends. It was pretty neat. Anyways, I came back Wednesday, took a tour on Thursday of Northwestern. I was actually kind of disappointed. I was expecting it to be all glorious and such but it wasn't that great. Well. My tour guide wasn't that great. But anyways, Behold. The Northwestern Bienen School of Music







I arrived around 1:40 at Regenstein Hall and checked in. Didn't find a practice room until 2:20. There were only a limited number and they were all taken. The moment I saw a kid leave I ran in and took the room. The room was oddly shaped but had great acoustics. I was practicing my Bach when I suddenly turned around and looked out the window. From my practice room there was a glorious view of Lake Michigan. It was rather epic. I practiced for a n hour then went upstairs to wait for my audition. I played at 3:40 in the afternoon. It's nicer to play in the afternoon but people are tired by then, which really sucks, and by that point, they've probably heard your piece a million times. There were only two professors at my audition. Almita Vamos and Gerardo Ribeiro. They let me choose what I wanted to start with so I played Tchaikovsky and then I played a movement of Bach and that was it. I was concerned that I only played those things, but the 5 people before me said that they had the same thing happen. Well, you can' read to much into these things. I'm happy with how I played so I am content with that.



If I get into both schools, where will I go? It would come down to the studio most likely. But that's all for later. I can only hope and pray that things work out.



3 down. 2 to go.

I don't really blog as much as I used to.. Nor do I take pictures every often. I guess I realized that no picture or nothing I could say could ever replace or parallel the few moments I allowed myself to soak in the transcendent beauty around me. I understood that no words or picture could truly depict every emotion I felt in a given moment of time. Now, it's just to convey a special emotion. I haven't exactly figured out what I'm feeling yet. I can't really say I'm feeling nostalgic at the moment. I'll get back to you on that.

My break will be coming to a close in a matter of days. I've had a rather uneventful winter break. I haven't done much except college apps and practice, but nonetheless, I have been restless. I haven't been sleeping very well for the past couple weeks and I've been having the strangest dreams. I guess I have a lot on my mind.

Today, I took some time and sat outside for a bit, even though it's cold. Shoot, I'm always cold. It doesn't bother me as long as I get a few moments to clear my mind and think about things. It's nice just to be able to clear your mind though, even if it is for one second. I thought about 2008. Everything that happened. And I realized that so much had happened. It was hard to grasp. I have to say that 2008 has been my greatest nemesis and my greatest teacher. It has been the source of many difficulties and obstacles as well as important life lessons.

I guess the first thing I learned is that life is really short. I feel like I have been going through life so fast. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was outside playing on the playground with my friends at Westridge, (well, some of you would say, "Grace, that was yesterday," but that's besides the point), and now, I've just applied to Northwestern. It just feels like everything has been going so fast, that the past few years seem like a billion. I wish I had told a lot of people that I cared about them. I wish I had spent more time thinking about other people instead of myself. I wish I was there for people when they needed me. The whole "you never know what you have until it's gone" thing is so true.

When my grandma died in March, I didn't know what to make of it. It took a few days for it to sink in, for me to realize that she was really gone. Around the time, I started playing violin at the local hospice. Initially, I viewed the hospice visits as a feel-good way to squeeze in volunteer hours. But over time, I saw the transformative powers of music at work, healing wounds, providing peace, and giving hope to the patients, even as they bravely stared death in the eye. It was during those weeks that I took particular solace during my hours volunteering there. Playing helped me to deal with grief and also led me to a greater understanding of the people I played for. When someone you know dies, it just makes you think about the life you've led, the crap you've done, the things you've said, and it's really grounding. I realized that I've been going about life all wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have learned to make the most of every opportunity because you never know when things will disappear.

I learned a lot about myself this year. I struggle, daily, with who I was, who I am, and who I am to become. For once, I felt free, from everything. So often, I feel stuck in one spot. I just want my life to move along. It's a fact that pain is real, but I realized that hope is real too. I realized that freedom could happen, the rescue was possible, that God's still out there in the business of redemption. I realized that I have a story, one that is still in the making and is no where near complete.

This idea has become apart of my story I think—just trying to be genuinely honest, giving things a new perspective with the goal that I can be a voice of hope and strength when people are hurting and alone. I want to be here when the world is celebrating. When the world is mourning and hurting. When it is asking questions. Yes, I know that I do not have all the answers, but all I am trying to say is that questions matter and that we need each other when those questions come up. Tomorrow is worth waiting for, worth fighting for. I guess with the holidays especially I feel that this idea is extremely fitting. With Christmas, there's a story, a gift even. There's a huge bold claim that suggests that God loves us, that he wants to know us. And to put it differently, it suggests that we were created to be loved and be known, to love and to know. It's true to me. I don't know about you, but if it is even remotely true, then we're far less alone and far more loved than we'll ever know. Life is full of choices. Yeah, we don't get to choose what happens to us, the things that break us or haunt us, but we get to choose how we respond to them. We get to choose what we believe in the face of those things. We get to choose our response to pain.

Maybe this wasn't a good year for you. Maybe it was the best year of your life. But in the face of things, whether you are happy or sad, wherever you are, what ever you see, whether things are perfect or broken, just take a moment to take a look at things through a different lens, a different perspective: God loves you. And if that's just too weird for you to grasp, just know this: you are more loved than you will ever know and you are apart of a bigger story.

This year didn't exactly start on a light note. My heart was heavy earlier this year, but it's lighter today. I can't exactly tell you how it happenss—how our wounds heal, how things pass, how we start to believe in better things again, but I know that it's possible. Yes, everything is not perfect because there is pain. There are choices, feelings and fears. Lots of questions to answer. Work to be done. But today, I am alive and it feels great to be able to say that it feels good to be alive.

Happy New year everyone.

So I'm not really all about the blog scene anymore. Not really my thing... Plus I think it's weird that random (gosh I hate that word, we won't go there though) people decide to comment my blogs and tell me I'm wrong about life. Whatever.

I'm on mid winter break so it's been a pretty chillaxed day. I think I've changed my myspace song a total of 6-ish times since last night. You might be thinkin I'm obsessive compulsive, which is sort of half true, but that's not it. I wanted a song that really depicted what I've been feeling these past couple days. I've had the day to reflect on a lot of things.

I spent my weekend in Portland, Oregon at District Youth Conference. I've been ridiculed by many for deciding to go, for bailing out on my friends for Jesus camp, for not going to All State, all that junk. I was a bit bitter about it, and I only became more bitter when my parents started to consider not letting me go because I had been sick last week. And well, these past couple weeks, I felt challenged by God in so many ways. He worked out solo and ensemble for me, he worked out my times, he worked it out so I could get to Fox Island before the first quiz of the day, he worked it out so I could still go to state even though my accompanist made it the most embarassing performacne ever, he worked it out so that I could place 2nd at the Fox Island meet, he worked it out so that I could qualify for Internationals this year.

At DYC, Josh talked about how we want things in life but can't seem to have them. When Jesus went out to heal the sick. there were instances where he would not heal people because of the lack of faith that was within them. When you really want something, God ultimately asks you two things: What do you want? and Do you think I can do it? At least for me, It's always harder to answer the 2nd question. I just feel like I've seen so many failed attempts and at some times, that God just didn't care. In a way, I felt that the week my parents were gone had really prepared me for DYC. Cuz when he started to talk about it, it really hit me then and there that that was what really happened. For once, I was able to muster up a enough faith for God to pull things through.

As for the aspect of healing, I guess it's a little different. Sunday, I attended a seminar about freedom in Christ. It was one of the few that I felt really compelled to attend. I really didn't care if I was alone in that seminar because it was something I wanted to confront; everyone really has their own issues, and this was mine. In Galations 5:1, Paul says "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (I really do know that verse by heart. xD) For so long, I have felt bound to my past, and I have never been able to let go of a lot of things that happened. Josh said that in God's eyes we are perfect because he disregards our sins, while we ourselves choose to dwell in imperfection, ultimately believing that we can never be perfect. But even when we are forgiven, we bring back those same rocks, those same sins, back into our lives and there is no burden that is relieved. Emily and I picked up rocks afterthe seminar and through them into the river. It was the first time I actually felt free.

It was really that night when I actually felt relieved, when I felt that the chains were gone, when I really felt free. When he talked about healing, he really hit a soft spot. God did amazing things in that room. I couldn't help but cry. There have been many days where I have wondered why life was the way it was, why I had to wake up. There have been times where I just wanted it to end and it's something I had been praying about for so long. I just didn't think God could really pull me through. It was that night when I finally mustered all my faith and was able to ask for healing. When two of the leaders prayed for me, I felt that the rock had been released, that I was no longer bound to what happened, that I had been freed. There was no greater feeling.

So yeah. I don't live the perfect life that many of you seem to think I live. There's a lot of things wrong with it. I'm no better than you just becuase I'm Christian if that's what you really think. So now you see my life in the open. You can see the scars of my past but they are disappearing. I'm being made new.

So back to the whole myspace song thing.. I finally decided to pick Awakening by Switchfoot. I just want to be born again. I'm tired of being dead. I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I want to know that my heart's still beating. I'm bleeding. I'm fully alive.